Big Brother Bernardovski

An answer to the age old question: Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation...

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced The Schitt-Happens Wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

We used to have the old testament some time ago.. and one of the reasons the Vatican switched to the new one was because they found out a few inaccuracies, like this one.. 

They found a passage that said that Jesus came and with him he brought Bread and Calamity.. the head of the church at the time was very appalled.. so they brought in the best translators and formed a commission to investigate the translation.. if this was true Big J. was not as good as the church portrayed him.

They went all the way back to the oldest of all documents for reference, and there was the passage.. the translators read it again and they all concurred, it said Calamity.. what a mistake, what a mistake. The oldest priest in the room, who happened to be the head of the translating department in the Vatican approached the table, he read the document.. Calamity, he too repeated. Then raised his eyes in disbelieve and said only this time loud: Calamari you idiots, not Calamity. Calamari, the fish.. Bread and Fish.

And there you go, what happened next we all know about it, they still switched to the new testament, mainly because no body understood a fucking word on the old one. They hope you understand, that it was done for our own sake. Very convenient, I say.

Bernardovski 3:17

It is a privilege and not a detriment to be fat.

If you consider that only less than 1% of the earth population is fat, then you'll have to agree that is actually not a bad thing. In some parts of Africa they automatically make you a king of a tribe if you're fat. As a matter of fact I've never seen a slim tribe king on National Geographic.

So think about it.. while more than half of the population on earth is starving and 3/4 of it is officially leaving below the poverty level.. you my friend, you're fat.

Not enough?.. Global Warming is around the corner, the ice is going to melt and the water level is going to rise, and the planet's temperature is going to drop. At that moment all I can think of is this.. you float better than a skinny guy, so you're less likely to drown. Quite a few skinny guys will die of starvation before your body runs out of fat. If any survivors, women are more likely to set their eyes on a slim guy (you) than a WWII-concentration-camp-kinda-looking guy. And if you ashore in Africa, well, they'll make you a King.

What a great life fat boy, what a great thing!

Bernardovski 3:17

Here it goes..

Now and for a limited time only Jenny Craig promises you'll lose 10 pounds for 10 dollars. Women from all over are falling for such a trick only to realize that things are not what they appear.

Let me break it down for you. Not only you'll have to pay 10 dollars, but the 10 pounds referred to are English pounds, which exchange at approximately 20 dollars. That's right, in reality you lose 30 dollars and not a single weigh pound.

Folks, it's too hard to build an empire on slim people. Look at those who go thru it how they have to keep coming back.. to lose the same 10 pounds over and over again.

Bernardovski 3:17